I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
