she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
