ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
