New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Randomize
