The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I don't deserve a penis
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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