I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
