True but thats because hes a fetus.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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