i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
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