you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
