I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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