I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
