Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
vagina is talking i cant
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize