Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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