Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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