so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
