i jhust puked up my retainher.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
