he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
