he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
whose parrot is this?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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