12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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