lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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