Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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