I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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