when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
