I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
