I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
