fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
‪So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?‬
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
