there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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