im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
