I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
