I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
