I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
