i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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