I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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