last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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