sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
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