My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
