Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
it hurts more in the daytime
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize