my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
