im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
