How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I am never drinking with the goths again.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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