let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
