By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
