Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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