well I can't set my house on fire every night
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
sex in a hospital.. check
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
