I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Randomize
