so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Randomize
