i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
