She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
