dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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