Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
im holly from the hills drunk
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
