he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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