The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
