Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
