I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
