well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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