hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize