Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
