remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
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