dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Randomize
