Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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