I love black thongs
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
